Ever feel like parts of you are missing? I've achieved so much in life but not a great deal of what I set out to achieve.
I'm consistent at feeling inconsistent.
I have dreams. Ambitions. Wishes. But they always seem out of reach.
I have not achieved even 10% of what I wanted to as a musician. I'm proud of what I've achieved but let's face the ugly truth, I'm now essentially a covers artist playing pubs, clubs etc on a conveyer belt with a cacophony of other cover artists who have learned 4 chords and think they are God's gift to music.
Tangent time - There is a bug going around filling many with delusions of grandeur which I wish I could catch. Instead, I caught the "self doubt" illness years ago and I still can't shake it. I call myself a songwriter but am I deluded too? Yes, I write songs but who cares? I turn up to play a rugby club - do they want my new song about trying to slow down in a hectic, frenzied world or Wonderwall? Guess what I'll end up playing as another chunk of my soul drifts away.
I'm a jigsaw. My pieces are not lost. They just haven't been found.
I feel like I owe my music so much more.
i used to fill notebook after notebook with lyrics.
Now, I have half arsed ideas on my phone, all around the theme of being lost and regret.
Yes. Regret. I have it. I regret not taking chances. I regret draining myself of creativity through avenues that dry my inner passion until a drought takes over.
I regret that I have reached a point where I regret.
Time ticks on. And here I am. Writing a blog that hardly anyone will read (hi mum...just you so far).
I'm tired. Tired of trying so hard but feeling like I'm not trying hard enough.
I'm tired of not staying true to my artistic self.
I'm tired of not getting the adoration I always craved (yes, I believed I deserved it too - how naive)
I'm tired of being my own shadow. Being a shadow in society. I want to shine bright. But now, there's only a faint shade of light.
Life is wonderful in many ways.
But it's a jigsaw.
I have found many missing pieces that fulfil my days (Hi Martyna)
But, I'm still "searching" for those missing pieces.
Thanks for reading.